I've been in an emotional roller-coaster during the past six months, especially the past month or so. When I first started reading for my comprehensive exams, I thought I knew what to do: just read, take good notes, and after you are done review, prepare answers for the questions I would get in advance and get through. But the more I read, the more uncertain I became of what I needed to know and how to synthesize such a vast field. I lost myself writing too much, trying to keep track of too many details, while getting more and more anxious. I finally had an epiphany - I found out I got a better sense of the larger picture if I forced myself not to write while I read. I've always been afraid of doing this because I always felt I couldn't remember much from simply reading a book. I've now discovered that this is not necessarily the case - I can often write a paragraph or two on a chapter and actually remember it later if I do it after reading instead of simply lifting chunks of text while I read. The other benefit of this is that I get to read sitting on a favourite chair, at coffee shops, or anywhere I feel comfortable rather than limiting myself to sitting at a desk and typing on a computer.
I've also had to remind myself what is it about history that I enjoy and try to keep that in mind when I read. I'm refering to my interest in knowing what was life like in the past. Instead of getting hung up on details and statistics when reading my urban history section, for example, I've enjoyed it more by simply trying to keep in mind that this is my chance to get a sense of urban life in the middle ages so I can pass this on to my students and also for my own edification. Once I reminded myself that my real commitment as a historian is to the people I study rather than to the present or to other historians, the experience improved overall. I'm still not sure whether I'm on the right track, but at least I'm not dreading each book anymore. Hopefully, I've turned a corner.
